“Why doesn’t someone just ask her if she’s a lesbian already. Especially YOU MJ, she is your “best friend’ after all.” I said bluntly scarfing down my favorite Safeway select hangover soup somewhere in Havasu, Arizona during my junior year spring break.
Like usual, my statement was met with gasps.
“K-Hoe..!!!” Hellen Keller began to accuse of my classic college nickname persona… Classic, that is,if you’re on the schools soccer team that boast their drunken sluts reputation harder than their wins (mostly because we didn’t have any). Captain of the V Club myself, I thought it was just silly stupid.. To the point of funny.
“You can’t just ask people if they’re lesbians.” Hellen Keller righteously ordered. Quite a proclamation coming from the most inappropriately inquisitive person I’ve met. I’ll never forget when she asked me why our black roommate always “axed” a question, and never “asked” one. I mean that was cute, but that first day back from Summer at preseason Soccer when she asked the team, ‘How everyone’s Summer was…??? What’d everyone do…? Anyone do anything fun?’
Ugh! Fiddy had written a song about people like Hellen Keller- who was so obviously blind and deaf to all things remotely unacceptable- and spitfires 21 questions at you without letting you answer NOT one of them. Because really, Hellen Keller didn’t give two shits what you did over summer, she just wanted an interlude to tell everyone what SHE did over summer. And what Hellen Keller would soon announce to the team was that over summer- she had gotten shit faced with a bunch of white boys who’s favorite joke was one that pinned the black guy as a monkey! At the “punch line” all the minority eyes and single eyebrows on the team raised from their soccer cleat laces and met in an anger infused focal point that had each of us staring at each other like, “no she din’t”.
So of course I was surprised by her sudden social consciousness.
But I’m a problem solver, always have been. When I was just a kid, My gracious Tutu Lady always told me “Keo, if You not gone do notin’ bout ‘um, NO grumble.” So when complaints of a lingering problem rehash, I feel obligated to fix it, if only to get the complaining to stop.
It had been years now that all my best college friends (and teammates) had suspected Taz of being a lesbian because she was so obviously in love with her “best friend” and roommate MJ. Even MJ was well aware of the big white elephant (or lesbian, in this case) in the room- and it was time Taz just came out with it already. There was no fooling us- and it’s not like she was gonna be greeted with judgement or even the least of surprise. We lived in San Francisco for Atheist sakes, and the problem wasn’t that Taz was so deep in the closet she was finding Christmas presents. More over, it was that Taz was a destructive and ruthless bitch who was just fucking miserable to be around. She was like a time bomb, you just never knew when or what would set her off. And when she went OFF- she’d go bat shit crazy and destroy everything in her path, just like the Tazmanian devil. Come to think of it- I couldn’t understand why we were friends with her in the first place, because I most certainly had been fed up with her shit after I had juked out that dude at a party, slid through his friends legs freeze-tag style and swung my inebriated left hook at the red head who was actually 6 feet further away than my blurred vision could properly locate… Of course for Tazs dumb ass, who was so obviously in the wrong.
All athletes with a will to make a break through- we didn’t give up on her entirely . We had all suspected that maybe if she would just come out and admit to her love for MJ and other vaginas alike, she would finally feel free enough to let go of the burden to be a bitch.
This shit has gone on FAR too long, and honestly I was more worried that if this idiot didn’t shape up fast- i’d end up mounting her and hammer punching the pessimism right outa her. And THAT kind of behavior was heavily frowned upon by the peace making- coexist hippies of Frisco, plus it’d just promote the stereotype that Hawaiians were nothing but brutes- and I just couldn’t do that to my people. But Something had to be done or my Lake Havasu Spring Break experience would be forever tainted. Someone needed to get the bitch to crack. And I had an idea.
I had moved to Maui for the year and had flown back for a month to “take care of business”. So it would be perfect if I just play it cool and pretend like it was old news that she was a lesbian, and just sorta play off her reaction. You know- play stupid. So I ran the idea by my friends.
“Tonight, when were drinking, I’m just gonna come out and say- ‘So Taz, I heard you’re a lesbian now.Good for you.” I rehearsed with my friends.
“Bahahaha” my friends couldn’t help but deny the humor in how ridiculously genius it was to be so blatant about the topic we’d for years now beat around the bush (literally… Hah).
” Hahahaha- yeah, she’ll prolly just give you that death stare and wreck everything in the room yelling’ DID YOU JUST CALL ME A LESBIAN? Ina demonic voice”
Hah… They were right. That is exactly how that would play out with Taz. What is it about people that when they’re so intent on hiding something when they finally they get called out, they end up outing themselves with their reaction?
“Yah- and when she’s done wrecking house I’ll just say- ‘NOOOOO…. Not Lesbian silly, THESPIAN. You know- like a lover of the performing arts.’
… And by then we’d already have got her.”
Turns out I never got the chance to carry out my plot. My friends thought it was far too good of an inside joke for it to be “outed”. Guess that applied to Tazs sexual preference too.
It’s a shame too… I was SO looking forward to that. Hope that closets comfy.